LIFE OF A DUDE IN PUBLISHING

I work in publishing, and I have a Y chromosome. This is my life.

SOME GAWKER HEADLINES FROM THE NEXT FEW MONTHS

Lena Dunham Still Hasn’t Specified How She Will Be “Compensating” Her Book Tour Openers

Lena Dunham Promises “Openers Will Be Paid In Money, Obviously” So We Know She’s Gouging Them

We’re Offering Fifty Dollars To Anyone Who Can Produce A Pay Statement For One Of Lena Dunham Tour Openers 

We Break Down The Costs Of Lena Dunham’s Book Tour To Indicate How Little The Openers Were Actually Paid So You Won’t Have To

A Stream Of Trashpile Rats Reviews Lena Dunham’s Book

Real Slick Nick Denton Non-Reference In The Season Premiere Of GIRLS, Lena Dunham

Did Lena Dunham Harass One Of Her Tour Openers? Yes.

Did Lena Dunham Neglect Lamby The Dog During Her Book Tour?

Did Lena Dunham Smother Lamby The Dog During Her Book Tour?

We’re Offering One Hundred Dollars For Pictures Of Lamby The Dog Next To Today’s Newspaper

A Death Row Inmate Reviews This Season Of Girls

We Slept With Lena Dunham’s Assistant So You Wouldn’t Have To

We’re Offering A Job To Any Accountant Who Can Provide Us With Lena Dunham’s W2

It’s Lost All Meaning Now, Seriously, No Matter How Many Times We Say It, Lena Dunham Lena Dunham Lena Dunham

September 30th

Today is the birthday of both Truman Capote and the Sufi poet Rumi, so I can’t help wondering how bacchanalian a party they could have co-hosted if they’d lived in the same century. 

I can’t be the only one who imagines Sam Smith and a gospel choir singing this every time I see it, right

TODAY’S REFUSAL TO CLICK A HUFFPO LINK: “13 THINGS WOMEN WISH MEN KNEW ABOUT SEX”

I am a human being, imbued with free will and the power to decide my own fate, if only on a minimal and short-term scale. I will not allow the outside world’s market forces to bait me into poor decisions. I am a glowing bubble of peaceful, deterministic light. Here is what I have re-imagined this list to be.

1. It’s pronounced “Beck-dal”, rhymes with “rectal”.

2. When you’re given a pure white egg to carry everywhere you go, and you enter the murder chamber, for the LOVE OF GOD don’t bring it ANYWHERE NEAR the gore pool.

3. Most women are made of balsa wood and paper; if you’re having trouble finding the groove, simply let them glide away on the next easterly to find a worthy partner.

4. We all know the giant container of loose change on your desk is a portion of your dowry, but we will be expecting more.

5. We are stardust. We are golden. So we will need two towels after we shower.

6. Ring-shank nails keep a better hold than vinyl-coated sinker nails.

7. Acceptable mood music includes; any pre-imprisonment Burzum, African Pgymy field recordings, Josh Groban.

8. The only part of mainstream porn that’s worth trying to imitate is when you see your enemies driven before you.

9. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. Install a landline. This is non-negotiable.

10. Sample size matters.

11. There may be several weeks of backlog before we attend to your needs. Please feel free to bring a magazine or two, and a good supply of MREs.

12. We realize your egos are fragile, and how awesome is that?

13. Learn the difference between poisonous and venomous BEFORE you come over.

slaughterhouse90210:

“I loved the idea that looking at a painting or listening to a concerto could make you somehow “transcend” the day-in, day-out bullshit that grinds you down: how in one instant of pure attention you could draw something inside that made you forever larger.”—Mary Karr, The Liars’ Club

I mean, you could wrap a chunk of hot garbage in a Mary Karr quote and I would gladly eat it, so I know I’m not exactly objective, but trust me, this is just lovely.

slaughterhouse90210:

“I loved the idea that looking at a painting or listening to a concerto could make you somehow “transcend” the day-in, day-out bullshit that grinds you down: how in one instant of pure attention you could draw something inside that made you forever larger.”
—Mary Karr, The Liars’ Club

I mean, you could wrap a chunk of hot garbage in a Mary Karr quote and I would gladly eat it, so I know I’m not exactly objective, but trust me, this is just lovely.